WEEK 31: Three Days. Three Hospital Visits

We'll  chalk this week up to experience. It's been a bit full on in one way or another...

At my 20 week scan they'd noticed my placenta was a bit on the low side, so on Tuesday I had a scan appointment to see whether there had been any change in 11 weeks.

Hubby was particularly excited to see our little (*strange bump nickname alert*) "Pickett" again.

Turned out our darling little one isn't quite so little...

The scan showed a very tall baby. Not 'big' but Pickett's legs in particular are on the lengthy side. Also baby seems to be in the totally wrong position. And has apparently  been enjoying a swimming pool of amniotic fluid (we're almost double what you should have - no wonder I'm developing a waddle!). Okay, so these things aren't ideal but I didnt care - It was magical to feel the baby somersault around, and to simultaneously see it on the screen.  Something I will never forget I'm sure.

Oh, and the placenta? We've nick named it the Great Wall. There's no way that thing is likely to budge.

The consultants were great. They explained things to us. A ceasarean is likely, they wanted to do lots more tests because of the water volume and Pickett's size, to make sure that both I and the baby are well.

So Wednesday saw me back at hospital for my tests. 7 vials of blood,  1 super sweet drink, and 2 hours of waiting later we were finally sent on our merry way with the information that someone would call us the next day to let me know whether the results showed any sign of gestational diabetes or infection, and that, regardless, they'd see me in a couple of weeks for a follow up.

But then when I was at work on Thursday I had a little bleed.

I'd only been told on Tuesday that this could happen and that if it did I should call for advice. It wasn't much, so nearly dismissed it... But I figured a quick telephone call wouldn't hurt.

I called the Maternity Assessment Clinic (MAC) from a corner office at work expecting advice along the lines of 'keep an eye on it," or "We'll make a note on the system." The line was engaged the first few times, so again I nearly gave up and went back to my desk. It was more pink discharge than blood really.

Instead what I was told was to grab some things together and to come straight in...

A colleague offered to drive me to the hospital. Hubby was reached at work, and scrambled to go back home, pack a bag (Yes, I know we probably should have already done that!) and then meet me at the hospital. 30 mins later I was sat in a tiny, but rather warm,  (and packed) waiting room.

I was seen quickly. I was clearly prioritsed over some of the others waiting there. I explained again that it was only a slight bleed. And it had pretty much died down. But they were having none of it. My placenta previa is "major" meaning that the whole placenta is blocking the cervix. I'm at risk of sudden significant  bleeds  that would be dangerous for both me and the baby. They wanted to check us thoroughly.

Blood pressure, temperature, urine test, ECG, medical history, internal exam (where they thought for a moment that my waters had gone...), swabs, scan. They threw everything they could at me to check the situation.

We had three doctors in our tiny cubicle at one point. It felt excessive. They reassured me that it was not. Calling and coming in was absolutely the right thing. They checked the blood test results from the previous day, elevated sugar levels, but still normal and nothing too concerning (I breathe a sigh of relief there when I discovered one of the infections they checked for was syphilis!).  After 4 hours they decided they were happy to let me go. I was fine, Pickett was fine. My cervix was closed. The bleeding had stopped. Probably caused by slight hormone surge.

Huge sigh of relief. Honestly I couldn't value the NHS more at this point. The care I've had has been amazing.

The challenge now is that the doctors recommended that I am not ever left by myself in case I needed to immediately come into hospital.  Not hugely practical as we don't have family in the area but I'm sure we'll cope.

I feel fine, so went back to work yesterday.  I've had a chat with my boss so he's aware of the situation and that there's a chance I might suddenly need to down tools and go.

I started this week with a simple scan appointment and ended up in the hospital 3 days in a row. Each time understanding more and more of my situation.  I can't thank the Maternity teams enough. Where as I was dismissive they were responsive and systematic.

I'm pleased to be in their care.

I have another scan in 2 weeks where I think they might make the decision on what to do next. But in the meantime Hubby is doing an excellent  job of looking after me.

Even though it seens that things have got a bit more complicated for us, strangely I  now feel more confident about the birth. I have to trust in my care team.

The other positive thing to come out of this week is that it's made us pull our finger out and get some baby bits together.... We went straight from the hospital to Sainsburys to pick up some baby grows... just in case!

Coming to terms with miscarriage

Last night was the end of my pregnancy.  As I had a miscarriage three weeks ago I know how strange that must sound...

When my ultrasound showed that I had lost the baby, a nurse explained what to expect next and then quietly passed me a pregnancy test to use in a week or so to confirm my pregnancy-boosted hormones had returned to normal levels.  I should have used that test over a week ago.  The little packet sat on the side, but I couldn't bring myself to take the test - I knew that once I saw a singular line it would really all be over.

I finally got that confirmation last night when I took a deep breath, grabbed the foil packet and headed to the bathroom.

But the thing is, in the last three weeks I've learnt a lot about myself, about my body, and about other people's attitudes towards miscarriage.  I'm in a good place now, I've come to terms with what happened.  I know it wasn't anything that I did, but just a very tragic thing that happens quite commonly.  But I've also realised how much of a taboo it is.

When I miscarried I realised I didn't know anyone else who had been through the same experience.  I have a couple of friends who are pregnant/have had children before, but I didn't know anyone I could turn to to discuss my emotions about how my body had failed the little life Hubby and I had made.  Although I had family around me I felt completely alone.

That's why I've made the decision not to hide my miscarriage.  I'm not shouting it from the roof tops, nor am I walking around with it emblazoned on a tshirt, but now that I have made peace with it, I want to make sure that my young female friends know that should it ever happen to them (I hope it never does), that they can talk to me.   Once I started sharing my story, first with a couple of close friends, an then the situation arose where I found myself telling a couple of colleagues, I've been amazed by how many people have quietly experienced the same grief, and I can't help but think it would have helped me hugely to know that at the time.

I'm sure that this might sound strange to some people - early pregnancy is very much a private affair - but I hope that by sharing my story I might be able to help other ladies.

Remember:  You are not alone. 

What is "normal"

I'm tired. I feel like I've spent the last few days hiking through rough ground; every part of my body feels exhausted.

But then, it has been an emotional couple of days all in all.

I've read a fair bit recently on what a "normal" pregnancy is, what hiccups can happen, and what to look out for.   I have to wonder whether all that reading can be counter intuitive.  And you start seeing things that may not be there. I've not experienced much morning sickness for example... Does that mean my pregnancy hormones are low?  Am I not sleeping enough? Should I eat more bananas?

Then on Monday afternoon I had some spotting.  I tried not to be concerned.  I was in no pain and I'd read somewhere that was normal in early pregnancy, but actually seeing blood where you don't expect there to be any is always concerning. So I called the doctors... And I was rushed in for an emergency scan yesterday morning.

The Hubby and I couldn't help but worry. I even stupidly referred to Doctor Google... My emotions swung dramatically when after pages of reading I determined that either everything was normal or I was miscarrying.  I didn't know what to think. So as Hubby and I waited for the sonographer I had to keep beating off waves of nausea - and once again not caused by morning sickness.

The sonographer reminded me of an old school dinner lady, determined to get her job done and me out quickly. I'm sure she is nice enough, but as she was having a good poke around, there was no time for pleasantries. About the most she said was "you can get your knickers on."

Regardless of her blunt nature thankfully the sonographer said everything is normal. Although they can't see our baby yet, the egg sack is a good size, shape and in the right location. Everything is as expected for 6 weeks.

I'm still bleeding. Slightly. And as they can't see a baby yet, there's no heartbeat to confirm. So they've asked me to go back again in a fortnight to see if there have been any changes.

My pregnancy symptoms might be few and far between (apparently that can be normal too...), but what ever is happening we should have some type of confirmation in two weeks.

In the meantime I just have to hope everything keeps ticking along, well, normally.