Last night was the end of my pregnancy. As I had a miscarriage three weeks ago I know how strange that must sound...
When my ultrasound showed that I had lost the baby, a nurse explained what to expect next and then quietly passed me a pregnancy test to use in a week or so to confirm my pregnancy-boosted hormones had returned to normal levels. I should have used that test over a week ago. The little packet sat on the side, but I couldn't bring myself to take the test - I knew that once I saw a singular line it would really all be over.
I finally got that confirmation last night when I took a deep breath, grabbed the foil packet and headed to the bathroom.
But the thing is, in the last three weeks I've learnt a lot about myself, about my body, and about other people's attitudes towards miscarriage. I'm in a good place now, I've come to terms with what happened. I know it wasn't anything that I did, but just a very tragic thing that happens quite commonly. But I've also realised how much of a taboo it is.
When I miscarried I realised I didn't know anyone else who had been through the same experience. I have a couple of friends who are pregnant/have had children before, but I didn't know anyone I could turn to to discuss my emotions about how my body had failed the little life Hubby and I had made. Although I had family around me I felt completely alone.
That's why I've made the decision not to hide my miscarriage. I'm not shouting it from the roof tops, nor am I walking around with it emblazoned on a tshirt, but now that I have made peace with it, I want to make sure that my young female friends know that should it ever happen to them (I hope it never does), that they can talk to me. Once I started sharing my story, first with a couple of close friends, an then the situation arose where I found myself telling a couple of colleagues, I've been amazed by how many people have quietly experienced the same grief, and I can't help but think it would have helped me hugely to know that at the time.
I'm sure that this might sound strange to some people - early pregnancy is very much a private affair - but I hope that by sharing my story I might be able to help other ladies.
Remember: You are not alone.